Monday, February 16, 2015
I am Done.
I made this song depicting a certain thought process. This process is one of uncertainty, roughness, and the adhd that seems to plague my generation, in some desperate attempt to create something beautiful, out of limited, disjointed, resources. Many more works like this are in the making, with better production quality, as I'm still pretty much learning as I go. The point of my music project is to illustrate the process of becoming an artist to not others, but for yourself. My project is to show how a soul stuck on the pale blue dot in this universe attempts to connect to the Natural Law of things, if it were to exist. My project is a prolonged leap of faith-- and this song attempts to show that in the rawest form possible.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
A Recent Nightmare
Hey guys, I need to get this particular nightmare down, partly for my records, and partly because I want to know what you think about it, I'd appreciate another party's opinion. I only remember a few parts (obviously) two mostly, because of how disturbing they are. My internal state leading up to this nightmare has been surprisingly balanced, after working with Jed McKenna's material I am proceeding to question everything I've thought and believe up to this point, and making sure not to build any long lasting "replacements." This lead to existential despair as expected, and for the past few days I've been surprisingly clear. Meditation has become vastly deeper, I'm understanding what "not taking yourself seriously" really means, and I'm actually half-way enjoying my day. Currently I'm getting into Kenneth Grant's material with new eyes, and musically exploring Genesis P- Orridge's "Throbbing Gristle".
1. The main characters are me and another person I only know travels with me in dreams, there's no physical counter-part, but he's a consistent presence in adventures like these. We are a part of some organization (or cult) that focuses on somehow disrupting society, through chaotic and destructive means, headed by a strong white male, bald, and unusually large (but not fat). From what I remember, I believe out core philosophy was some offshoot of nihilism, combined with a small influence of eastern mysticism (Think Tyler Durden's movement). Through a series of circumstances, we failed a big project and we were to regroup at "headquarters", which was just a small store-front. I was new to the group, but my companion wasn't, and he told me nervously that our leader was going to kill them all, sharing with me a vivid memory of the words he says before the massacre-- "This has happened before". I can say that during this part of the journey I'm feeling completely indifferent and lucid, and there's no worry in me at all.
We, a group of about 50-60 people sit silently before our leader in satsang like fashion. He sat on a flat pillow cross-legged, and calmly began to speak beautifully and softly. He spoke about the recent report, our philosophy (boy I wish I could remember that bit!), and the talk goes on for some time. I actually begin to get bored, thinking my companion was exaggerating, and start to daydream. I look outside the store-front windows into the daylight, enjoying the sun's rays bursting out of the clouds after a quick rain. Then, my heart sinks and I snap my attention back to our leader-- his energy has completely changed, his subject matter has taken a very dark turn into near megalomaniacal self-pity, and he begins to repeat the very same words my companion had shared with me.
It was at this point my peaceful indifference was transformed into primordial fear. I wasn't afraid per-say of the leader, it seemed as though he emanated fear itself, reaching out and infecting everyone else's aura, effectively freezing us all against our will. This kind of fear is beyond the fight or flight reaction, this was a fear deeper than any fear of death I've ever had-- it was an alien fear that was beyond words. I look over to my companion to see his face contorted into morbid anticipation and anxiety, shaking slowly with tears streaking down his face-- nobody else seems to know what the future held for them. I begin to plan our escape, and when. The leader turns to dangerous depression, to perverse fantasy, and finally murderous intention, after screaming his hate for MAYA (illusion).
"I hate this... I hate this world, I hate the MAYAAAA, and I hate you! I hate you all!!," was his final statement before all hell breaks loose.
I immediately started elbowing the windows as hard as could... I know this was a dream, but the screams I heard surrounding me, to hear his howls of monstrosity in concert with the sounds of the tearing of flesh and bone and stuck in my head. I know death at least was eminent, but I wanted to at least to try to save me and my companion. At the last possible second the windows shattered and we jump out into the fresh air-- it's raining again. I thought that maybe this monster would be too busy with the others to worry about us, but when we were halfway down the block we hear the scrapping of glass behind us, witnessing his figure hunched over like some kind of beast in pursuit, sprinting towards us. Within seconds he's at our backs, so we separate, me heading into a parking lot filled with cars. I could hear him mocking me saying, "They always go for the cars, don't they?" This is where my memory gets fuzzy, but suffice it to say I somehow leap from the frying pan into the fire.
2. Though some desperate means of stealth I end up in a house I've never seen before, and witness a shocking sight: the beast is tied to a chair with bruises all over him like something worse has caught him, and now I was caught as well. The beast says somewhat resigned and embarrassed "She's coming, there's no chance" and a greater fear (if that's even possible)
washes over me, and it was at this point I reveled in the reality of my end. The woman, black, stunningly beautiful, and also with an air of ancient age enters the room, and greets my former leader cheerfully. I get the impression that these two knew each other quite well, and she was obviously pleased to have finally caught him-- as if a bigger drama was at play. The beast though obviously defeated spoke quickly and charismatically, even making her laugh until she turned her attention to me. She speaks to me seductively and rubbed her body slowly against mine, I was compelled to sit on the couch as she joined me speaking dark nothings into my ear. She produced a black cylinder outlined with red and handed it to me-- I found it peculiar that my body certainly was not mine at that point. She change the subject and begins to explain with morbid pleasure how the item she handed to me would kill me in about 30 seconds.
"The loss of eyesight at 2 seconds, the loss of the lungs at 5, hearing at 20 etc." culminating in a horrible death towards the end. After her explanation, she leaves the room. For some reason I don't die, and my condition began to improve, all the while the beast speaking to me about his process, the only thing I remember from this conversation is some "will to sociopathy" philosophy, and this woman was it's creator, and not entirely human. She returns to the room paying me no mind and continues her conversation with the beast-- perhaps I'm already dead?
Thanks for reading! What do you think? Frankly the symbolism is strong, but can't make much sense of it.
1. The main characters are me and another person I only know travels with me in dreams, there's no physical counter-part, but he's a consistent presence in adventures like these. We are a part of some organization (or cult) that focuses on somehow disrupting society, through chaotic and destructive means, headed by a strong white male, bald, and unusually large (but not fat). From what I remember, I believe out core philosophy was some offshoot of nihilism, combined with a small influence of eastern mysticism (Think Tyler Durden's movement). Through a series of circumstances, we failed a big project and we were to regroup at "headquarters", which was just a small store-front. I was new to the group, but my companion wasn't, and he told me nervously that our leader was going to kill them all, sharing with me a vivid memory of the words he says before the massacre-- "This has happened before". I can say that during this part of the journey I'm feeling completely indifferent and lucid, and there's no worry in me at all.
We, a group of about 50-60 people sit silently before our leader in satsang like fashion. He sat on a flat pillow cross-legged, and calmly began to speak beautifully and softly. He spoke about the recent report, our philosophy (boy I wish I could remember that bit!), and the talk goes on for some time. I actually begin to get bored, thinking my companion was exaggerating, and start to daydream. I look outside the store-front windows into the daylight, enjoying the sun's rays bursting out of the clouds after a quick rain. Then, my heart sinks and I snap my attention back to our leader-- his energy has completely changed, his subject matter has taken a very dark turn into near megalomaniacal self-pity, and he begins to repeat the very same words my companion had shared with me.
It was at this point my peaceful indifference was transformed into primordial fear. I wasn't afraid per-say of the leader, it seemed as though he emanated fear itself, reaching out and infecting everyone else's aura, effectively freezing us all against our will. This kind of fear is beyond the fight or flight reaction, this was a fear deeper than any fear of death I've ever had-- it was an alien fear that was beyond words. I look over to my companion to see his face contorted into morbid anticipation and anxiety, shaking slowly with tears streaking down his face-- nobody else seems to know what the future held for them. I begin to plan our escape, and when. The leader turns to dangerous depression, to perverse fantasy, and finally murderous intention, after screaming his hate for MAYA (illusion).
"I hate this... I hate this world, I hate the MAYAAAA, and I hate you! I hate you all!!," was his final statement before all hell breaks loose.
I immediately started elbowing the windows as hard as could... I know this was a dream, but the screams I heard surrounding me, to hear his howls of monstrosity in concert with the sounds of the tearing of flesh and bone and stuck in my head. I know death at least was eminent, but I wanted to at least to try to save me and my companion. At the last possible second the windows shattered and we jump out into the fresh air-- it's raining again. I thought that maybe this monster would be too busy with the others to worry about us, but when we were halfway down the block we hear the scrapping of glass behind us, witnessing his figure hunched over like some kind of beast in pursuit, sprinting towards us. Within seconds he's at our backs, so we separate, me heading into a parking lot filled with cars. I could hear him mocking me saying, "They always go for the cars, don't they?" This is where my memory gets fuzzy, but suffice it to say I somehow leap from the frying pan into the fire.
2. Though some desperate means of stealth I end up in a house I've never seen before, and witness a shocking sight: the beast is tied to a chair with bruises all over him like something worse has caught him, and now I was caught as well. The beast says somewhat resigned and embarrassed "She's coming, there's no chance" and a greater fear (if that's even possible)
washes over me, and it was at this point I reveled in the reality of my end. The woman, black, stunningly beautiful, and also with an air of ancient age enters the room, and greets my former leader cheerfully. I get the impression that these two knew each other quite well, and she was obviously pleased to have finally caught him-- as if a bigger drama was at play. The beast though obviously defeated spoke quickly and charismatically, even making her laugh until she turned her attention to me. She speaks to me seductively and rubbed her body slowly against mine, I was compelled to sit on the couch as she joined me speaking dark nothings into my ear. She produced a black cylinder outlined with red and handed it to me-- I found it peculiar that my body certainly was not mine at that point. She change the subject and begins to explain with morbid pleasure how the item she handed to me would kill me in about 30 seconds.
"The loss of eyesight at 2 seconds, the loss of the lungs at 5, hearing at 20 etc." culminating in a horrible death towards the end. After her explanation, she leaves the room. For some reason I don't die, and my condition began to improve, all the while the beast speaking to me about his process, the only thing I remember from this conversation is some "will to sociopathy" philosophy, and this woman was it's creator, and not entirely human. She returns to the room paying me no mind and continues her conversation with the beast-- perhaps I'm already dead?
Thanks for reading! What do you think? Frankly the symbolism is strong, but can't make much sense of it.
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