The point of this blog is to document my creative/spiritual process, and subsequent struggles. Hopefully for whoever reads this, you can draw inspiration and learn how NOT to go about things-- I bump my head quite a few times.
Recently (like 10 minutes ago), I figured out why the hell I can't make any music. I had a creative renaissance about a month ago, and now I'm staring at my electric violin gathering dust. Earlier today, I fired up my recording program, turned on the amp, and promptly threw everything down in utter disgust. I was shocked by my own reaction to not doing what I truly believe in-- it's a bit of sacrilege. So, for lack of weed or alcohol, I proceeded to pace back and forth for nearly 2 hours, I actually came to some conclusions.
My mental love-making actually began last night-- I decided to try out a certain brain-wave entrainment program. Apparently, by utilizing binaural beats and hypnotism, it's supposed to lead you to Self-Discovery. The science and effects of sounds have always been fascinating to me, so I thought it'd be worth a try. Besides, I'm pretty susceptible to hypnotism and trip out pretty easily (like, full visuals on weed), so I figured I could get something really powerful out of this program.
TRIP REPORT.
After going through the motions, I find myself in an entirely different world. I'm aware of my body lying down on the bed, but my mind is somewhere completely else. The sky was grey, horizon against the darker waves of a turbulent ocean. The beach was bland, wet sand that left no footprints, and my only company was the disembodied voice of the narrator. At some point after reaching a certain level of "entrainment", he allowed me to explore this strange world. I climbed the black jagged rocks outlining the never ending beach easily, and witness a vast field of grass flowing peacefully to some imaginary wind. My world is devoid of any vibrant colors, all I saw were all kinds of shades of grey-- I figure this is how I view my every day reality, and take note. Shortly, I realize what this world actually was, it felt so familiar. This is the world I created in the isolation of my early childhood-- I named this world Atar. In the old days, I would fabricate many stories and events on Atar... I created the universal council of Elders I dubbed the "Grandmasters" that oversaw the events of a family I imagined, and they had plenty of transcendent adventures culminating in the ascendancy of my main character.
I found my old world completely intact as if I never left it. The only difference was the field was shimmering gold swaying grass with a blue sky. Later on in my walk, I see a familiar tree with a notch in it's truck, and I decided to take a rest and acclimate to things. The tree is actually a tree in real life. As a child I pissed on it because my friends decided to piss outside, and I got in big trouble for it. I can still remember my mother's shrill voice promptly magnify my wrongdoing and place dark judgement on my character (as a seven year old), and I realized that this definition stuck with me in a powerful way. Personally, if I ever do something wrong (because I'm human), I magnify the error by 10, and no thanks to my heavy Christian upbringing, promptly fling myself into some existential hell to the resonance to my Mother's cadence.
I move on. The trip is nearly over, and I come across an old ruined structure reminiscent Stonehenge. I created this structure as a child for some reason, it's significance is still lost to me. In the dead middle, I witnessed a giant orb sphere rotating silently, I approach, then BAM. The narrator counted down and I was back in my body.
THE REALIZATION FOR TODAY.
After my analysis of the significance of the tree, a further insight occurred to me. The problem isn't that I'm lazy,whiny, or not motivated enough. It has to do with the perception of myself and what I think I deserve. Also, the problem isn't with me, but my environment. In my creative process, it takes a certain amount of emotional involvement, and an undetermined amount of time to allow for the inspiration, practice, and recording process to run it's course. The problem is in my environment, other priorities out of my control demand that emotional energy (or attention), leaving none for my personal pursuit. This takes further investigation.
So if I could say one thing to you lovelies, aspiring artists like me, is that most likely, there's nothing wrong with you at your core. The problem is where your energy is going-- and this doesn't include normal everyday distractions. It has to do with what you think is out of your control that you MUST pay attention to, but would rather not. Pinpointing these factors and observing their roots I theorize will give you a good idea where you fit in to your personal story line.
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